Waiting For You

2005

Saturday afternoon

I'm lying on my bed

Staring at the ceiling

Nothing left to do.

I've cleaned my apartment

Showered

Done my face

Gone grocery shopping

Done laundry

Wanting everything to be perfect

In case you come over.

Outside, it is a beautiful, sunny day

And I am waiting for your call.

I seem to be doing that alot these days.

Can't complain to my friends

Cuz they'll say I told you so.

Don't wanna go out with anybody

Cuz you might call.

Don't wanna call you

Cuz you might think I'm bugging you.

So I wait

And wait

And wait.

When and if you DO call,

You will probably just say hello

Ask me how my day was

Make small talk

And say you'll call me later

(Which you may or may not do)

Or you may ask me what I'm doing later

Give me enough of a hint you want to see me

That I'll not make any plans

But not enough of a commitment

That I'll have an excuse to be mad

If you ignore my calls for the rest of the day.

My friends tell me to wake up and smell the coffee.

They say you're not feeling me like I'm feeling you

That you're leading me on.

They've already seen me through one fucked up relationship.

They don't wanna see me hurt again.

(I think it's too late)

My mind is in constant turmoil.

I know my friends care about me.

Should I listen to them?

I want to believe you

When you say that you miss me and care about me.

Yet I can't deny that actions speak louder than words.

I know you know that I love you

Even though I can't say it.

I won't.

I really don't think you love me.

We talked about it once.

You chose your words carefully, saying,

"Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship.

One person feels more than the other."

So ever the optimist, I hang onto my kernel of hope

Waiting for you to love me

Waiting for some sign that you think of me as often as I think of you.

Meanwhile, I hear the voices of others in my head.

"He's just using you for sex."

"What makes you think you're the only one?"

"Don't you know Black men use women?

Especially White women!"

I don't want to believe them

But I don't want to be played either.

I try to give you the benefit of the doubt

By asking you if you're seeing other women.

You say no.

You tell me that if you decide to see someone else

You'll let me know.

And all I want is for you to accept my love

And love me back

Or if not, to let me go.

But you do none of these things

Instead choosing to leave me in limbo

Why, I don't know

It hurts me

The thought of you knowingly playing with me like this

As if I've ever done anything to hurt you.

Do you not care that this is breaking my heart?

Or are you merely selfishly unaware?

Am I like an instant girlfriend in a can

That you keep high on a shelf somewhere?

To be taken down, dusted off and used when needed?

And just what is wrong with me

That you don't love me anyway?

Am I not attractive enough?

Not devoted enough?

Now hot tears run down my face.

Still, I wait for your call.