In Case You Were Wondering....

And apparently you were since you're reading this
Yes, you really did hurt me
It wasn't so much the fact that you let me go
As it was the way that you went about it
I realize four months isn't a long time
But after all the deep conversations we had
All the time we spent
Sharing stories and ideas
Holding each other
Making love
(At least it was making love on my end)
I thought that if I knew only three things about you
They were that you were a communicator
A fair person
And my friend
Yet your actions at the "conclusion" of our...
Whatever-it-was
Made me realize that I'd been fooled once again
I always trust too much
Love too quickly
I thought this time it would be okay
I thought you were different
I even told a few people
"He's such a great guy
That even if we stop seeing each other,
I know we'll be friends."
I feel like such an idiot.
You prided yourself on being a communicator
I must say that for four months, you were pretty good at it
So imagine my shock when you literally disappeared off the face of the earth
I realize it's not an easy conversation to have
But how hard is it to break up with someone over the phone?
Did you really have to leave me hanging with a vague text message at one am?
And when I called you right after the text
I just knew you were sitting there
Watching my number flashing across your cell screen
Ignoring my call
And I knew that you knew that I knew
That you were ignoring my call
And that you didn't have enough of a heart to pick up the phone
And explain to me what was going on
Just days before, I'd been your baby
Now I was a nuisance
Honestly
You have no idea how much that hurt me
If you had told me directly that you were moving on
I would have been hurt
I would have cried and asked you why
But then I would have gone away like you wanted
I would have licked my wounds and then, when you were ready
We could have been friends
I wonder now who you really were
Did you ever really care about me the way I thought you did?
Or was I merely a piece of ass?
Apparently I need to stay in therapy
Cuz there's something seriously wrong with my picker
I nocticed that you were back on plentyoffish
Hope it was a good nut.
But I guess I was wrong for you anyway
You like tall, skinny girls
I will never be tall
And at my thinnest, I am slender but not at all waiflike
You like discussing politics and economics
I know nothing about either
As much as you ever pretended to like my individualistic artistic nature
You and I both know that if you took me around your Stanford friends
I'd embarrass you
Cuz I wouldn't be able to participate in their conversations about current world events
I think you need to start being honest with yourself and with women
Cuz if you were ever really looking for a long term relationship
You would have thought twice about letting me go
Deep down, you know I'm a good, sweet, loyal woman
A "foxhole chick", as you called me
A woman who will fight beside her man in the trenches
You know that I loved you
And you treated me wrong
That's why you still can't face me

Flashbacks

Driving home from your place
Radio softly playing
Windshield wipers moving rhythmically
As a light rain falls
Tail lights in the distance
I am thinking of earlier this morning
When you were deep inside me
Ledisi moans from my speakers:
"Ohhh, yeah, yeah
Ohh yeah, OH , yeah, yeah, ye-ahhh!"
I feel you, girl.
Early afternoon
I am with family.
Talking, laughing, and having fun.
But sometimes my mind can't help but wander.
I smile at the memory
Of your lips sucking on mine.
Your tongue in my mouth
My hands roaming up and down your body
Settling on your ass
Pulling you into me.
Seven pm.
Dining on sushi
And trying to follow the conversation
As I picture your fingers pulling my hair back from my face
Last night as I sucked your cock.
Your moans as you watched me devour you.
The way you tasted.
Late at night
Sitting on the couch flipping through channels on the tv.
Still thinking of you deep in me
And me
Deeply into you

My Rock

I'm feeling a little down today
Edgy
Emotionally-out-of-sorts
I crave your company
Your soothing voice
Your broad chest
For me to lay my head on
Your fingers running through my hair
And I wonder
Can you be my rock?

I'm a strong woman
Most of the time
Just not today
Today I feel fragile and insecure
Would it turn you off if I admitted it?
Would you see it
As a temporary predicament
Or would you think I was crazy
Annoying
Too emotional?
If I said I needed you to hold me
While I cried out my frustration
Would that totally freak you out?
Tell me, baby.....
Will you be my rock?

Thoughts

Oh naughty, wicked thoughts
Hang up your dancing shoes
And take your rest til the morrow
You will certainly need your strength then....

Creativity Haiku

Black pen tip poises
Inches over blank whiteness
Anticipating

Creativity
Travels from brain to fingers
I write to survive

To the Man Who Read My Poetry....

I am flattered
That you wanted to know more about me
Though you need not rely solely on my written emotion
In your quest for information
Just ask
I want you to know me
And what little info I may not yet be comfortable to share
Will be revealed in time if you so desire

Though we have only known each other for less than a month
Perhaps you wonder how I feel about you thus far
So I will tell you
I really like what I see
A laid back, easy going
Liberal, family-oriented man
Who is ambitious but not money-obssessed
Who is both highly intelligent and creative
And respectful of women and their boundaries
A true gentleman outside of the bedroom
Yet quite the sensual lover
You almost seem too good to be true
How can you have all that going for you
And still be single?

Lately you have been popping into my head alot
And I find myself smiling
As I picture your voice
The way you pronounce certain words
Or something you said or did
Sometimes I fantasize about you
Late at night while lying in my bed
And become ridiculously aroused

I notice little things about you
Like your hands which are smooth and well-shaped
With longish fingers
Just the way I like them
And your kind, soulful eyes
Which look a bit melancholy to me
The sensuous curve of your lips
The way your smile lights up your face

I want to trust you
But I have been lied to so much in the past
I hope you can bear with my having doubts
Here in the very beginnig

I hope you are not a player
I hope you are truly the person I see
I hope you don't possess any major personality disorders
That are waiting to rear their ugly heads
And, since I apparently have a giant crush on you
I hope that we are both on the same page....
Time will tell

Why I Love You

2005

This just goes to show how difficult you can be

That you would even ask me

Why I love you

How does one explain the how or why of love?

It just is

Like the sun in the sky

It simply is

Except that the sun’s existence never changes

And love…well..what can I say?

Love is a miracle…a mystery

People do crazy things for love

But back to why I love you..

Assuming that the things I love about you

Tie into why I love you as a whole person..

Do you see where I’m having trouble with this?

Okay here goes..

I’ll start with the exterior

(Shallow, I know)

And work my way in

Your smile

Your gentle, expressive eyes

Your strong, well-muscled arms

That make you look like you work out

Or do manual labor

Even though you don’t

Your beautiful hands

The skin on them thick on the palms

And butter-soft on the back

I like how the trails of veins show faintly through the skin

I love how you touch me with those hands!

Your long legs

Your “tall dark and handsome”-ness

Your boody

(hee hee)

The way you cuddle me so good like no one ever has

Wrapping your big, fine self all around me

Till I’m hot in more ways than one.

The androgyny of your “feminine” side

(The way you feel things)

Coupled with your masculine body

Your creativity as a lover

If I had to sum up sex with you in one sentence, it would be

Roll up your sleeves cuz we’re about to get dirty!

Your voice

So versatile

Alternately sexy, friendly, pensive, teasing, and fatherly

But always pleasantly, soothingly masculine

I love the way you talk to me in bed

You can be such a gentleman

It turns me on to think of you on the phone at work

Talking in a polite, business-like tone

Then turning around and talkin’ that shit to me in the bedroom

If people only knew!

The way you kiss me hungrily

Voraciously

The way you lay me down….

Whew!

The way you sigh contentedly in your sleep

When I cuddle up to you or rub your back

How you look when you’re deep in slumber

Peaceful, not a care in the world

Wish I could sleep like that

In a world of “macho” men

I love your sensitive heart

Which you sometimes try to hide

The way you cry just like I do when you are sad

Your boyish nature

How you display childish delight in simple things

That trick you do Where you kick your gum with the tip of your shoe

After you spit it from your mouth

Even though once I saw you miss…

How affectionate you are

The way you play with my hair

The fact that you love your mother And you are a good father to your little girl

Your old school gentlemanly ways

Your sarcastic humor

Your perpetual calmness

Yes, I admit that even your conservatism and opinionated-ness

Amuse me because they are so reliable

Your odd distaste for certain things

Like black nylons on women

Or that red shirt of mine that everyone else likes

Which you can’t stand

The way you get on your soapbox about things and then finish with,

“But that’s just my opinion. Who am I?”

The fact that you seem to consider yourself to be the ultimate fashion police.

“Gawd, why is she wearing that?! I mean, what’s wrong with people?!”

Your playfulness

Your ability to charm people

As well as be fascinated by watching them

The way I feel secure (and a little shy)

When we are out somewhere and you hold my hand

Just…you

There, I told you

You happy now?