Why I Love You

2005

This just goes to show how difficult you can be

That you would even ask me

Why I love you

How does one explain the how or why of love?

It just is

Like the sun in the sky

It simply is

Except that the sun’s existence never changes

And love…well..what can I say?

Love is a miracle…a mystery

People do crazy things for love

But back to why I love you..

Assuming that the things I love about you

Tie into why I love you as a whole person..

Do you see where I’m having trouble with this?

Okay here goes..

I’ll start with the exterior

(Shallow, I know)

And work my way in

Your smile

Your gentle, expressive eyes

Your strong, well-muscled arms

That make you look like you work out

Or do manual labor

Even though you don’t

Your beautiful hands

The skin on them thick on the palms

And butter-soft on the back

I like how the trails of veins show faintly through the skin

I love how you touch me with those hands!

Your long legs

Your “tall dark and handsome”-ness

Your boody

(hee hee)

The way you cuddle me so good like no one ever has

Wrapping your big, fine self all around me

Till I’m hot in more ways than one.

The androgyny of your “feminine” side

(The way you feel things)

Coupled with your masculine body

Your creativity as a lover

If I had to sum up sex with you in one sentence, it would be

Roll up your sleeves cuz we’re about to get dirty!

Your voice

So versatile

Alternately sexy, friendly, pensive, teasing, and fatherly

But always pleasantly, soothingly masculine

I love the way you talk to me in bed

You can be such a gentleman

It turns me on to think of you on the phone at work

Talking in a polite, business-like tone

Then turning around and talkin’ that shit to me in the bedroom

If people only knew!

The way you kiss me hungrily

Voraciously

The way you lay me down….

Whew!

The way you sigh contentedly in your sleep

When I cuddle up to you or rub your back

How you look when you’re deep in slumber

Peaceful, not a care in the world

Wish I could sleep like that

In a world of “macho” men

I love your sensitive heart

Which you sometimes try to hide

The way you cry just like I do when you are sad

Your boyish nature

How you display childish delight in simple things

That trick you do Where you kick your gum with the tip of your shoe

After you spit it from your mouth

Even though once I saw you miss…

How affectionate you are

The way you play with my hair

The fact that you love your mother And you are a good father to your little girl

Your old school gentlemanly ways

Your sarcastic humor

Your perpetual calmness

Yes, I admit that even your conservatism and opinionated-ness

Amuse me because they are so reliable

Your odd distaste for certain things

Like black nylons on women

Or that red shirt of mine that everyone else likes

Which you can’t stand

The way you get on your soapbox about things and then finish with,

“But that’s just my opinion. Who am I?”

The fact that you seem to consider yourself to be the ultimate fashion police.

“Gawd, why is she wearing that?! I mean, what’s wrong with people?!”

Your playfulness

Your ability to charm people

As well as be fascinated by watching them

The way I feel secure (and a little shy)

When we are out somewhere and you hold my hand

Just…you

There, I told you

You happy now?

Waiting For You

2005

Saturday afternoon

I'm lying on my bed

Staring at the ceiling

Nothing left to do.

I've cleaned my apartment

Showered

Done my face

Gone grocery shopping

Done laundry

Wanting everything to be perfect

In case you come over.

Outside, it is a beautiful, sunny day

And I am waiting for your call.

I seem to be doing that alot these days.

Can't complain to my friends

Cuz they'll say I told you so.

Don't wanna go out with anybody

Cuz you might call.

Don't wanna call you

Cuz you might think I'm bugging you.

So I wait

And wait

And wait.

When and if you DO call,

You will probably just say hello

Ask me how my day was

Make small talk

And say you'll call me later

(Which you may or may not do)

Or you may ask me what I'm doing later

Give me enough of a hint you want to see me

That I'll not make any plans

But not enough of a commitment

That I'll have an excuse to be mad

If you ignore my calls for the rest of the day.

My friends tell me to wake up and smell the coffee.

They say you're not feeling me like I'm feeling you

That you're leading me on.

They've already seen me through one fucked up relationship.

They don't wanna see me hurt again.

(I think it's too late)

My mind is in constant turmoil.

I know my friends care about me.

Should I listen to them?

I want to believe you

When you say that you miss me and care about me.

Yet I can't deny that actions speak louder than words.

I know you know that I love you

Even though I can't say it.

I won't.

I really don't think you love me.

We talked about it once.

You chose your words carefully, saying,

"Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship.

One person feels more than the other."

So ever the optimist, I hang onto my kernel of hope

Waiting for you to love me

Waiting for some sign that you think of me as often as I think of you.

Meanwhile, I hear the voices of others in my head.

"He's just using you for sex."

"What makes you think you're the only one?"

"Don't you know Black men use women?

Especially White women!"

I don't want to believe them

But I don't want to be played either.

I try to give you the benefit of the doubt

By asking you if you're seeing other women.

You say no.

You tell me that if you decide to see someone else

You'll let me know.

And all I want is for you to accept my love

And love me back

Or if not, to let me go.

But you do none of these things

Instead choosing to leave me in limbo

Why, I don't know

It hurts me

The thought of you knowingly playing with me like this

As if I've ever done anything to hurt you.

Do you not care that this is breaking my heart?

Or are you merely selfishly unaware?

Am I like an instant girlfriend in a can

That you keep high on a shelf somewhere?

To be taken down, dusted off and used when needed?

And just what is wrong with me

That you don't love me anyway?

Am I not attractive enough?

Not devoted enough?

Now hot tears run down my face.

Still, I wait for your call.

Sorry

2006

I am sorry
Tall, sexy, beautiful man
That for some reason
We can't seem to get it together
I'm sorry that we have disappointed each other
And that I could not have you
As much as I wanted you
And that you do not seem to feel me
As much I am feeling you
Even though you say that's not true
Actions speak louder than words
I am sorry
That I felt I could not trust you
And that I can't seem to figure out
Whose fault that is
And that I violated your privacy
Maybe I'm damaged
Maybe we both are
And you know what else?
I'm sorry
That you did not fall in love with me
Lol
Cuz I think I'm pretty cool
And I think
We would've made an awesome couple
I would've been your best friend
Your confidante
Your down-for-whatever-lover
Always ready to defend you
Against defamation by others
With a biting response
And I bet you're really sweet
When you're in love...
Oh well
If we never speak again
I have some beautiful memories
And I thank you for that
As to what will become of us
I will leave that up to fate
If you really want to be with me
You know what to do...

Yesterday Morning

2005

Yesterday morning was...
Amazing
Beautiful
Satisfying
And tremendously fun

You touched me/held me/kissed me/fucked me
In a way I hadn't been touched/held/kissed/fucked
In a very long time

You awakened not only my senses
But also my entire body
Skin
Hair
Nerves
Blood
Bones
And molecules
All were calling your name
Yesterday morning


You can hardly blame me now
If I call you twice a day
Every day
You shouldn't have broken me off so good
If you didn't want me sprung

And let me tell you something
After the way you put it down
Your wish is my command
Any kinda freaky/nasty/
Romantic way you want it

It’s all good
Let it never be said
That I am an ungrateful woman!

Especially not
After yesterday morning....

Thought You Were Somethin'

2006

I thought you were somethin'

With your tall, masculine frame

Pretty, caramel skin

And beautiful, boyish smile

Certainly one of the most handsome men I'd seen in awhile

I thought you were super cool

Intelligent

Liberal

A thinker and feeler

One who saw life outside the box

A talented artist

Who shared my love of music

Someone my mother would like

Boyfriend material

I thought you were feeling me

Like I was feeling you

Like maybe I mighta been on your mind

As much as you were on mine

And that maybe you were into more

Than just my body

That maybe this time, if I took a chance

It would turn out cool

Guess I was wrong....

Getting Over You

2006

Why is it so hard

Getting over you?

How is it

That after months

I still think of you often

And with mixed emotions?

Memories

I masturbate to the sexual ones

Cry over happy and sad ones

Cuss silently to myself

Over the ones that piss me off

We only dated a year

And it’s like I can’t get rid of you

No matter much I want to

And I admit sometimes I don’t want to

But most of the time nowdays I do

Most of the time I wish I never met you

You were a waste of my time

And not even my type

I’m liberal and laid back

Where you’re uptight and conservative

I love horror movies and hate action flicks

Whereas your tastes in movies is the reverse

I like talking about everything

You’re only comfortable talking about what’s on tv

And what you bought at the mall

And the list goes on

It’s crazy to me that I ever fell in love with you

But fall in love with you I did

I loved you so much it hurt to look at you

Even after a year

My heart would pound

Every time I was about to walk through your door

I loved being with you so much

That it didn’t matter if we watched action flicks all night

So long as I could be next to you

Now I wish I could erase all of it

So the pain would go away.

I’m tired of crying unexpectedly at odd moments

Like when I’m at work

Or in the shower

Or on the bridge

I’m sick of missing your arms around me

Your fingers in my hair

Your dick in my pussy

Your voice on the phone late at night

It sure as hell wasn’t all good between us

But that’s what it becomes in my head

When I’m missing you

And I’m sick and tired of missing you

Most of the time

I wish you would just go away.

Crush

2006

Lately I can't seem to get you out of my head

I think of you at work

In my car

At school

While lying in bed

I think about your great, big boyish grin

Your pretty caramel skin

Your cute nose

How tall and strong you are

Damn, I think I've got a crush on you

Sometimes I hear your voice in my head

Soft and mellow, a bit tentative

(We haven't known each other long)

I love the phone conversations we have

Your personality totally vibes with mine

Because like me, you are creative

I love your vivid imagination

And hearing your observations about life

We share a lot of the same ideas

Yup, I definitely have a crush on you

I only wish I could see you more

I love seeing you

Whenever we first meet, I am struck by your sexiness

And then comes that grin that I love

I try to fight back a giant grin of my own

Cuz even though I'm really feelin' you

I know it's not good to put it all out there like that

Not yet

Gotta give you a little mystery

Make sure you're intrigued enough to chase me

And I hope that you will

Chase me

I won't run too far

Not far at all

Because, your fine-ness,

I've got a crush on you...

Comfort Food

(written to my best friend in 2005)

I love you

Like I love my favorite old sitcoms

I love you

Like I love laying on my bed naked

After a shower

With the fan blowing on me

On a hot day

I love you

Like I love Skittles

And my stuffed green frog named Arnold

And my plaid mens boxers

Coupled with my black cotton-lycra tank top

The one that supports my boobs real well

But is also very comfortable

And that’s what I am with you

Comfortable….

I love that we are such good friends

That we have to talk to each other every day

Just so we know what each other is doing

I love that we know each other

Well enough to predict what each other is thinking

And that we aren’t shy to tell each other

Anything and everything

We even talk to each other over the phone

While on the toilet

And aren’t ashamed to admit it!

Yup, that’s comfort alright

I love that you like talking as much as I do

And that you’re an awesome listener

And that you’re open and honest

Even when being honest exposes your faults

And those of others

You always keep it real

I love how playful and young-hearted you are

Like being 37 ain’t no thang

I love and respect the way you love your sons

So fiercely

I love knowing you well enough

To sometimes be able to laugh

At how predictably you you are

I simply love knowing you…

You are like comfort food

Well-worn Levis

A good book on a rainy day

Coffee in the morning

You set my mind at ease

And let me feel free to be me

That’s why I love you

Wish You Were Here

June 2009

Today I feel kinda blue
Like some of the color washed outta my world
Sitting here alone
Don’t wanna call anybody
But wish somebody would call me

Saving the planet gets old
Sometimes I get tired of being Superwoman
And I just wanna be me
To allow myself to feel small and protected
Wrapped in your arms
That’s when I wish you were here

All week long
This independent woman works hard
To hold it down
Wouldn’t have it any other way
Yet sometimes I lay in my bed at night
Too hot and bothered to sleep
That’s when I wish you were here

Though I treasure my alone time
Sometimes I feel like I need a friend
To listen to me
To laugh with
To watch a movie with me on the couch
Or just listen to music and say nothing
That’s when I wish you were here

When I feel less than special
That’s when I wish you were here
To look at me adoringly
And tell me I’m beautiful, sexy and intelligent
To laugh at my jokes
And compliment me on little things
That nobody else seems to notice about me

Most of the time
I’m quite happy being with just me
Don’t want any more relationship drama
That’s for sure
But occasionally
I feel the need to be somebody’s star
Somebody’s baby
Somebody’s world
That’s when I wish you were here

Bonding in Water

Sunday, September 06, 2009 My son When you were very small You lived inside me Just as I once lived inside my mother In water When my belly grew large From carrying you I often found comfort In water A hot bath For relaxation For pain relief Or just because For as long as I can remember I have loved and found solace in water Baths Showers The ocean Creeks Waterfalls I find the sound of water Bubbling over stones As pleasant as a baby’s laugh Now you My little boy You share the same love as I Your face lights up When I suggest a shower Or a swim at the local pool We take long, long baths Sighing in pleasure As our bodies first slide into the warm water We sing Splash And play with toys Sometimes we just sit and smile at each other And of course we laugh I am happy that you enjoy water so I am happy Just being with you Perhaps one day you will bathe with your own son And you will think of me Now an old woman And you will remember How we once bonded in water

God's Greatest Gift

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Being a single mother Means doing what you have to do to survive It often means being mommy and daddy Doing everything on your own Climbing flights of stairs Carrying baby and bags of groceries Dealing with discipline and temper tantrums Potty training Sickness Late night bottles and diaper changes Working, going to school Living on coffee Hustling, hustling, hustling Paying bills Getting the car repaired Studying, working, mothering Sleeping, if there's time Standing in long lines And jumping through hoops Applying for this that and the other Cuz you don't receive child support And every little bit helps In and out of court With baby daddy drama (Where in the world Does a man get off Leaving a mother to do all the work Yet still demanding his "rights"?) Constantly making do Working with what you got Trying to turn a dime into a dollar All this And still finding the time To nurture your child Play with him Make him feel valued and loved All this Yet you never wonder Why you ever had a child Cuz one smile Is like the brightest sun After the worst storm And no hug ever felt as good "Take this gift", God said "The greatest I have given you Besides salvation. Take this child and mold him into someone great." And I replied "Yes Lord, I will."

Parental Love

April 2009 I used to wonder what it felt like Was it like this great, passionate thing That swept over a mother or father The moment they first laid eyes on their newborn child? Or was it something that grew over time As you got to know your child? Was it neither of these experiences? Both? Or did it vary from one person to the next? Did fathers experience parental love differently than did mothers? I can only speak for myself For me, it's like being in love Only without the passionate adult feelings It's feeling that another person completes you Missing them when you're away Wondering what they're doing Smiling at the thought of them Gazing at their picture with a happy sigh Wanting the world to know about this amazing person in your life Secretly knowing That nobody else' kid is as cute, funny or talented Lighting up in your little one's presence Feeling soft little arms around your neck And fine, sweet-smelling baby hair tickling your nose And knowing you're home

ALL/ONE

November 2008 The word "alone" Is a combination of the words "all" and "one" And if you ask me "All one" sounds alot better than "alone" Alone is sad and lonely Perhaps even rejected All one is everything Combined into one package It is not the woman who sits by herself at night Petting the cat and waiting for the phone to ring It is not the woman whom no man wants Because she is not pretty/thin/rich/fun enough It is the woman who wears many hats Mother, Daughter, Professional, Student, Artist, Spiritualist, Friend, etc. She is so full of herself Her life, her goals, her obligations and her joys That she does not have time to feel sad or lonely Or rejected She is altogether One magnifiscent, powerful, talented, loving, Independent woman She is all one

Custody Battle

Monday, October 20, 2008

How can two people Fight over another human being? Like two dogs fighting over a bone Or more appropriately, Two children fighting over a toy Except that our son is not a toy.... We've come a long way From the days when couples married and stayed together Come hell or high water When "til death do us part" actually meant something We both always considered ourselves to be family people Swore to hang in no matter what issues came our way For our child's sake Because he deserves two parents.... But then the fighting got worse and worse Until we were shouting at each other nearly everyday And as a friend of mine recently put it, "It's better for your child be with each of you separately than to be in an environment where you are constantly at each other's throats." I knew he was right. My ex and I are two totally different people With one thing in common An amazing little boy whom we both love like crazy. Now we have split our household And live on opposite sides of the Bay The adjustment from two incomes to one is rough Not to mention the separation thing I feel angry about stuff that went on in the relationship Sad that it didn't work out Stressed about money and court stuff And bound and determined to get everything I want from the judge. I imagine my child's father feels the same We will both be glad when all the legal stuff is over After that, our main concern will be Raising a well-balanced kid in a less-than-ideal situation It may be a challenge But I believe it can be done

For You

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

If you were sick and miserable I would stay up and wait on you all night Even though I had to be up for work at 5:30am. For you. I would turn off a really good made-for-tv movie That I had been waiting weeks to see That I knew wouldn't be on again for a long time For you. I would let you eat most of my favorite food That I had bought from an expensive deli across town Even though you had already eaten And you didn't really find my dish all that interesting. But you still wanted to eat it Only for you. I would put off anyone Cancel anything Short of a date with Jesus For you If you were a horrible, rude tyrant And nobody liked you because of it. If you became a thief, a drug addict A murderer Still I would have mad, loyal, crazy deep love For you If you were morbidly obese Severely retarded Or terribly disfigured And everyone thought you were disgusting I would think you were beautiful And I would thoroughly cuss out Anyone who tried to argue with me For you. I would give my life for you In a heart beat. Move to another country If it meant you would be much safer Or have far greater opportunities. I would accept ridicule Work two jobs. Go without love Or sleep Or luxuries like a decent stereo A new car Or the latest fashionable clothing. All for you. Why? Because you're worth it

My Childbirth Experience (Not for the Squeamish)

October 2007 I found out I was pregnant in January of 2007..... Doctors told me my due date was September 15th,.... Though by my calculations it should have been the 23rd..... I got huge during my pregnancy, My belly grew out AND around.... People kept asking me if I was having twins..... Some said rude things like,.... "Wow, you're really big, hunh?" .... I power-walked regularly and worked full time..... Still, I developed a form of gestational hypertension.... Which had to be monitored throughout my pregnancy..... I was told in my third trimester that my son was large.... And that he could be born as early as September 7th..... My 37th birthday..... I thought about this.... And decided I didn't want to share a birthday with my son..... Of course, I went into labor on my birthday..... It began at 6am..... I woke up with what felt like period cramps,.... And when I went to the bathroom, I realized I was bleeding a little.... I went back to the bedroom and told my boyfriend,.... Then called Kaiser Labor and Delivery..... They told me that based on my symptoms,.... It sounded like I was in early labor..... I was to call back if the bleeding or pain got worse,.... Or my water broke,.... Or contractions began to come every 3-5 minutes..... It could be quite awhile before any of these things happened..... I was encouraged to walk around to stimulate labor..... My boyfriend went to work, and I went downtown..... I walked.... And walked,.... And walked..... All day long..... But to my disappointment, .... The contractions didn't get much stronger..... I got home around 5pm and went to bed exhausted..... That was when the contractions picked up..... By 10PM, I told my boyfriend we should head to the hospital.... By the time we left home around 11:30pm,.... My contractions were 3 minutes apart.... And about a 4 on a pain scale of one to ten..... We arrived at the hospital around midnight..... We brought with us.... My duffle bag,.... Two digital cameras,.... A camcorder,.... My birthing ball,.... Essential oil of orange.... And a whole slew of other things .... Which were carefully unpacked..... A nurse came in and instructed me to change into a gown.... Then hooked my belly up to a monitor..... I waited a few hours for a doctor to come in and check me..... The doctor said my cervix was only dilated to one centimeter..... For those who don't know, .... Pushing takes place at ten centimeters,.... And the hospital won't officially admit a woman.... Until she is dilated to at least three centimeters..... I was told to walk around for an hour, which I did..... But I did not dilate any further,.... So at 4AM, exhausted and dejected,.... We packed up all our things and left..... I remained in labor for five (yes, five!) days..... The contractions came repeatedly,.... Sometimes as close together as every 5 minutes..... Other times as far apart as every 15 minutes..... The pain continued to intensify.... For five days..... I could not sleep..... I barely ate..... I lost three pounds.... My boyfriend and I went back to the hospital on day three.... And were told I was only one and a half centimeters dilated..... Once again, we went home..... I saw my ob gyn on the afternoon of day five..... After checking my cervix, she said I was 4 centimeters dilated..... I was so happy, I burst into tears and thanked her..... But there was a problem..... Apparently Labor and Delivery in San Francisco was overcrowded..... They claimed they could not admit me..... They suggested I go to Oakland Kaiser.... Or to Santa Rosa Kaiser an hour away.... To have my baby..... .... Against the doctor's wishes, My boyfriend went across the street to the hospital, Demanding to speak with someone He said that he had been born in that same hospital And by God, his son would be born there too .... We were placed on a waiting list for a bed..... By 4pm, we were admitted..... I was given an IV. I am terrified of needles..... But considering how much pain I was already in, I did well..... Initially, I was going to try and have a natural birth..... But after 5 days of labor and at 6 centimeters dilated,.... I threw in the towel and asked for an epidural..... The anesthesiologist was slender, olive-skinned and 40-ish,.... With full lips that had a slight scar above them.... And a French-sounding accent..... She is the only person from the hospital.... Whose face I remember so well..... That is because she became my best friend.... As well as my worst enemy..... She had me sit up on the edge of the bed..... She washed my back and gave me a local anesthetic..... She told me to curve my spine like a cat and not move..... Then she stuck a huge needle in my spine .... Attached was an IV line, which she taped to my back..... There was also a button I was told to push .... Any time I needed more medication..... I lay back as a warmth spread over my body..... A nurse said I would soon be numb from the waist down..... Once the epidural had taken full effect,.... Another nurse inserted a catheter into my urethra.... Which I did not feel..... By around 6PM, the doctor broke my water.... Using a long plastic sort of stick.... My mother and sister arrived..... My sister began to document the event on my camcorder..... It was September 11th..... My family joked that I shouldn't give birth until midnight..... Contractions came every 3 minutes..... I couldn't feel pain, only pressure..... At around 8pm, I was told I wasn't dilating fast enough..... I was still only dilated to six..... I might need to have a c-section if things didn't pick up soon..... My boyfriend was upset..... He hadn't wanted me to get the epidural in the first place. In the past, We had heard that epidurals could slow down labor..... .... The doctor re-checked me a bit later..... I was eight centimeters dilated..... I would not need to have a c-section after all..... Twice, the epidural wore off enough for me to nearly panic..... Both times, I demanded to see the anesthesiologist NOW,.... Once even going so far as to insist .... That she was purposely ignoring me.... Just to be mean. I actually remember believing that Which I realize now was totally irrational.... At one point, I let out a moan like a dying woman,.... Grabbed my boyfriend's arm and commanded,.... "Get somebody now!".... He did..... At 3AM, I was informed I was ten centimeters dilated..... It was time to push..... By this time, the epidural had begun to wear off yet again..... I was told I could have no more pain meds..... They wanted to make sure I wasn't too numb to push..... It took me three hours to push my son out..... Luckily, I remember it as only one hour..... I opted to have a mirror placed near me.... So I could watch the my son emerge..... I'm not so sure now that it was a good idea..... With every contraction, I pushed.... For a count of ten..... I pushed harder than I'd ever pushed before..... The nurse told me to push down into my bottom.... Like I was having a bowel movement,.... Which worried me a little..... Cuz I sure didn't want to shit on the table.... In front of everyone..... Thankfully, that didn't happen..... Every time I pushed, my genitals burned and stretched.... Like I was ripping in two..... I would look into the mirror .... And see the top of my baby's head emerge a teensy bit more.... Only to retract back inside of me .... Once the pushing stopped..... Watching this in the mirror.... Reminded me of an unusual form of punishment..... My boyfriend sat beside me encouraging me,.... Though he was having a hard time himself..... He kept looking away, head in hands.... Until a male nurse ordered smelling salts for him.... Just in case..... "I'll be fine", he said..... And he was..... He said later that it wasn't the actual birth.... That freaked him out;.... It was all the other stuff.... The blood and other fluids.... Which to him made the whole process seem "violent".... At one point, I begged the doctor,.... "Can you just pull him out?".... She said no, she could not..... Eventually I reached a point where time seemed to stop,.... .... And my emotions became far less important Than the fact that I had a job to do, And that became all that mattered. Shortly afterward, my baby's head popped out from under my pelvic bone, Followed quickly by his body..... It happened so fast .... That when he was presented to me, I almost couldn't believe he was mine..... There he was,.... All nine and a half pounds of him.... Bloody, crying softly, umbilical cord still attached..... My first thought was that he was cone-headed..... Completely drugged and exhausted,.... I held him for just a second..... I vaguely remember crying.... And kissing him once or twice on his wet face..... Then my maternal instincts kicked in .... I demanded that his lungs be cleaned out so he could breathe.... Over a period of about twenty minutes,.... My son was cleaned, poked, prodded.... And warmed under a little heating lamp.... While my mother and boyfriend made phone calls to family.... During all this, .... The doctor grasped the umbilical cord .... And hand over hand,.... She pulled the placenta out of me. Like someone pulling an anchor up out of the water. .... .... My skin was torn From the bottom of my vulva down to just above my anus. It took fifteen minutes to sew me up, and I was not allowed anesthesia..... "Don't move", the doctor kept saying every time I flinched..... The next several hours after my son's birth.... Are sort of a blur.... I remember the first time my son was placed on my breast.... And how surprised I was at the strength of his suckling..... It was enough to give me purple marks around my nipple.... Within only a few minutes..... Later that day.... I was moved from Labor and Delivery.... To the post partum ward..... I remember being wheeled in my chair.... My newborn son in my arms.... Feeling peoples' eyes on me as we went past.... Feeling like a queen.... Thinking to myself.... This is how the other new mothers feel too..... Over the next few days in the hospital.... I often found myself gazing endlessly.... At my sleeping son.... Trying out the words in my head Mom, mommy, ma, mother.... And knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt.... That my son was absolutely the cutest.... Sweetest.... Most wonderful baby there was..... I knew I was not alone.....