In Case You Were Wondering....

And apparently you were since you're reading this
Yes, you really did hurt me
It wasn't so much the fact that you let me go
As it was the way that you went about it
I realize four months isn't a long time
But after all the deep conversations we had
All the time we spent
Sharing stories and ideas
Holding each other
Making love
(At least it was making love on my end)
I thought that if I knew only three things about you
They were that you were a communicator
A fair person
And my friend
Yet your actions at the "conclusion" of our...
Whatever-it-was
Made me realize that I'd been fooled once again
I always trust too much
Love too quickly
I thought this time it would be okay
I thought you were different
I even told a few people
"He's such a great guy
That even if we stop seeing each other,
I know we'll be friends."
I feel like such an idiot.
You prided yourself on being a communicator
I must say that for four months, you were pretty good at it
So imagine my shock when you literally disappeared off the face of the earth
I realize it's not an easy conversation to have
But how hard is it to break up with someone over the phone?
Did you really have to leave me hanging with a vague text message at one am?
And when I called you right after the text
I just knew you were sitting there
Watching my number flashing across your cell screen
Ignoring my call
And I knew that you knew that I knew
That you were ignoring my call
And that you didn't have enough of a heart to pick up the phone
And explain to me what was going on
Just days before, I'd been your baby
Now I was a nuisance
Honestly
You have no idea how much that hurt me
If you had told me directly that you were moving on
I would have been hurt
I would have cried and asked you why
But then I would have gone away like you wanted
I would have licked my wounds and then, when you were ready
We could have been friends
I wonder now who you really were
Did you ever really care about me the way I thought you did?
Or was I merely a piece of ass?
Apparently I need to stay in therapy
Cuz there's something seriously wrong with my picker
I nocticed that you were back on plentyoffish
Hope it was a good nut.
But I guess I was wrong for you anyway
You like tall, skinny girls
I will never be tall
And at my thinnest, I am slender but not at all waiflike
You like discussing politics and economics
I know nothing about either
As much as you ever pretended to like my individualistic artistic nature
You and I both know that if you took me around your Stanford friends
I'd embarrass you
Cuz I wouldn't be able to participate in their conversations about current world events
I think you need to start being honest with yourself and with women
Cuz if you were ever really looking for a long term relationship
You would have thought twice about letting me go
Deep down, you know I'm a good, sweet, loyal woman
A "foxhole chick", as you called me
A woman who will fight beside her man in the trenches
You know that I loved you
And you treated me wrong
That's why you still can't face me

Flashbacks

Driving home from your place
Radio softly playing
Windshield wipers moving rhythmically
As a light rain falls
Tail lights in the distance
I am thinking of earlier this morning
When you were deep inside me
Ledisi moans from my speakers:
"Ohhh, yeah, yeah
Ohh yeah, OH , yeah, yeah, ye-ahhh!"
I feel you, girl.
Early afternoon
I am with family.
Talking, laughing, and having fun.
But sometimes my mind can't help but wander.
I smile at the memory
Of your lips sucking on mine.
Your tongue in my mouth
My hands roaming up and down your body
Settling on your ass
Pulling you into me.
Seven pm.
Dining on sushi
And trying to follow the conversation
As I picture your fingers pulling my hair back from my face
Last night as I sucked your cock.
Your moans as you watched me devour you.
The way you tasted.
Late at night
Sitting on the couch flipping through channels on the tv.
Still thinking of you deep in me
And me
Deeply into you

My Rock

I'm feeling a little down today
Edgy
Emotionally-out-of-sorts
I crave your company
Your soothing voice
Your broad chest
For me to lay my head on
Your fingers running through my hair
And I wonder
Can you be my rock?

I'm a strong woman
Most of the time
Just not today
Today I feel fragile and insecure
Would it turn you off if I admitted it?
Would you see it
As a temporary predicament
Or would you think I was crazy
Annoying
Too emotional?
If I said I needed you to hold me
While I cried out my frustration
Would that totally freak you out?
Tell me, baby.....
Will you be my rock?

Thoughts

Oh naughty, wicked thoughts
Hang up your dancing shoes
And take your rest til the morrow
You will certainly need your strength then....

Creativity Haiku

Black pen tip poises
Inches over blank whiteness
Anticipating

Creativity
Travels from brain to fingers
I write to survive

To the Man Who Read My Poetry....

I am flattered
That you wanted to know more about me
Though you need not rely solely on my written emotion
In your quest for information
Just ask
I want you to know me
And what little info I may not yet be comfortable to share
Will be revealed in time if you so desire

Though we have only known each other for less than a month
Perhaps you wonder how I feel about you thus far
So I will tell you
I really like what I see
A laid back, easy going
Liberal, family-oriented man
Who is ambitious but not money-obssessed
Who is both highly intelligent and creative
And respectful of women and their boundaries
A true gentleman outside of the bedroom
Yet quite the sensual lover
You almost seem too good to be true
How can you have all that going for you
And still be single?

Lately you have been popping into my head alot
And I find myself smiling
As I picture your voice
The way you pronounce certain words
Or something you said or did
Sometimes I fantasize about you
Late at night while lying in my bed
And become ridiculously aroused

I notice little things about you
Like your hands which are smooth and well-shaped
With longish fingers
Just the way I like them
And your kind, soulful eyes
Which look a bit melancholy to me
The sensuous curve of your lips
The way your smile lights up your face

I want to trust you
But I have been lied to so much in the past
I hope you can bear with my having doubts
Here in the very beginnig

I hope you are not a player
I hope you are truly the person I see
I hope you don't possess any major personality disorders
That are waiting to rear their ugly heads
And, since I apparently have a giant crush on you
I hope that we are both on the same page....
Time will tell

Why I Love You

2005

This just goes to show how difficult you can be

That you would even ask me

Why I love you

How does one explain the how or why of love?

It just is

Like the sun in the sky

It simply is

Except that the sun’s existence never changes

And love…well..what can I say?

Love is a miracle…a mystery

People do crazy things for love

But back to why I love you..

Assuming that the things I love about you

Tie into why I love you as a whole person..

Do you see where I’m having trouble with this?

Okay here goes..

I’ll start with the exterior

(Shallow, I know)

And work my way in

Your smile

Your gentle, expressive eyes

Your strong, well-muscled arms

That make you look like you work out

Or do manual labor

Even though you don’t

Your beautiful hands

The skin on them thick on the palms

And butter-soft on the back

I like how the trails of veins show faintly through the skin

I love how you touch me with those hands!

Your long legs

Your “tall dark and handsome”-ness

Your boody

(hee hee)

The way you cuddle me so good like no one ever has

Wrapping your big, fine self all around me

Till I’m hot in more ways than one.

The androgyny of your “feminine” side

(The way you feel things)

Coupled with your masculine body

Your creativity as a lover

If I had to sum up sex with you in one sentence, it would be

Roll up your sleeves cuz we’re about to get dirty!

Your voice

So versatile

Alternately sexy, friendly, pensive, teasing, and fatherly

But always pleasantly, soothingly masculine

I love the way you talk to me in bed

You can be such a gentleman

It turns me on to think of you on the phone at work

Talking in a polite, business-like tone

Then turning around and talkin’ that shit to me in the bedroom

If people only knew!

The way you kiss me hungrily

Voraciously

The way you lay me down….

Whew!

The way you sigh contentedly in your sleep

When I cuddle up to you or rub your back

How you look when you’re deep in slumber

Peaceful, not a care in the world

Wish I could sleep like that

In a world of “macho” men

I love your sensitive heart

Which you sometimes try to hide

The way you cry just like I do when you are sad

Your boyish nature

How you display childish delight in simple things

That trick you do Where you kick your gum with the tip of your shoe

After you spit it from your mouth

Even though once I saw you miss…

How affectionate you are

The way you play with my hair

The fact that you love your mother And you are a good father to your little girl

Your old school gentlemanly ways

Your sarcastic humor

Your perpetual calmness

Yes, I admit that even your conservatism and opinionated-ness

Amuse me because they are so reliable

Your odd distaste for certain things

Like black nylons on women

Or that red shirt of mine that everyone else likes

Which you can’t stand

The way you get on your soapbox about things and then finish with,

“But that’s just my opinion. Who am I?”

The fact that you seem to consider yourself to be the ultimate fashion police.

“Gawd, why is she wearing that?! I mean, what’s wrong with people?!”

Your playfulness

Your ability to charm people

As well as be fascinated by watching them

The way I feel secure (and a little shy)

When we are out somewhere and you hold my hand

Just…you

There, I told you

You happy now?

Waiting For You

2005

Saturday afternoon

I'm lying on my bed

Staring at the ceiling

Nothing left to do.

I've cleaned my apartment

Showered

Done my face

Gone grocery shopping

Done laundry

Wanting everything to be perfect

In case you come over.

Outside, it is a beautiful, sunny day

And I am waiting for your call.

I seem to be doing that alot these days.

Can't complain to my friends

Cuz they'll say I told you so.

Don't wanna go out with anybody

Cuz you might call.

Don't wanna call you

Cuz you might think I'm bugging you.

So I wait

And wait

And wait.

When and if you DO call,

You will probably just say hello

Ask me how my day was

Make small talk

And say you'll call me later

(Which you may or may not do)

Or you may ask me what I'm doing later

Give me enough of a hint you want to see me

That I'll not make any plans

But not enough of a commitment

That I'll have an excuse to be mad

If you ignore my calls for the rest of the day.

My friends tell me to wake up and smell the coffee.

They say you're not feeling me like I'm feeling you

That you're leading me on.

They've already seen me through one fucked up relationship.

They don't wanna see me hurt again.

(I think it's too late)

My mind is in constant turmoil.

I know my friends care about me.

Should I listen to them?

I want to believe you

When you say that you miss me and care about me.

Yet I can't deny that actions speak louder than words.

I know you know that I love you

Even though I can't say it.

I won't.

I really don't think you love me.

We talked about it once.

You chose your words carefully, saying,

"Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship.

One person feels more than the other."

So ever the optimist, I hang onto my kernel of hope

Waiting for you to love me

Waiting for some sign that you think of me as often as I think of you.

Meanwhile, I hear the voices of others in my head.

"He's just using you for sex."

"What makes you think you're the only one?"

"Don't you know Black men use women?

Especially White women!"

I don't want to believe them

But I don't want to be played either.

I try to give you the benefit of the doubt

By asking you if you're seeing other women.

You say no.

You tell me that if you decide to see someone else

You'll let me know.

And all I want is for you to accept my love

And love me back

Or if not, to let me go.

But you do none of these things

Instead choosing to leave me in limbo

Why, I don't know

It hurts me

The thought of you knowingly playing with me like this

As if I've ever done anything to hurt you.

Do you not care that this is breaking my heart?

Or are you merely selfishly unaware?

Am I like an instant girlfriend in a can

That you keep high on a shelf somewhere?

To be taken down, dusted off and used when needed?

And just what is wrong with me

That you don't love me anyway?

Am I not attractive enough?

Not devoted enough?

Now hot tears run down my face.

Still, I wait for your call.

Sorry

2006

I am sorry
Tall, sexy, beautiful man
That for some reason
We can't seem to get it together
I'm sorry that we have disappointed each other
And that I could not have you
As much as I wanted you
And that you do not seem to feel me
As much I am feeling you
Even though you say that's not true
Actions speak louder than words
I am sorry
That I felt I could not trust you
And that I can't seem to figure out
Whose fault that is
And that I violated your privacy
Maybe I'm damaged
Maybe we both are
And you know what else?
I'm sorry
That you did not fall in love with me
Lol
Cuz I think I'm pretty cool
And I think
We would've made an awesome couple
I would've been your best friend
Your confidante
Your down-for-whatever-lover
Always ready to defend you
Against defamation by others
With a biting response
And I bet you're really sweet
When you're in love...
Oh well
If we never speak again
I have some beautiful memories
And I thank you for that
As to what will become of us
I will leave that up to fate
If you really want to be with me
You know what to do...

Yesterday Morning

2005

Yesterday morning was...
Amazing
Beautiful
Satisfying
And tremendously fun

You touched me/held me/kissed me/fucked me
In a way I hadn't been touched/held/kissed/fucked
In a very long time

You awakened not only my senses
But also my entire body
Skin
Hair
Nerves
Blood
Bones
And molecules
All were calling your name
Yesterday morning


You can hardly blame me now
If I call you twice a day
Every day
You shouldn't have broken me off so good
If you didn't want me sprung

And let me tell you something
After the way you put it down
Your wish is my command
Any kinda freaky/nasty/
Romantic way you want it

It’s all good
Let it never be said
That I am an ungrateful woman!

Especially not
After yesterday morning....

Thought You Were Somethin'

2006

I thought you were somethin'

With your tall, masculine frame

Pretty, caramel skin

And beautiful, boyish smile

Certainly one of the most handsome men I'd seen in awhile

I thought you were super cool

Intelligent

Liberal

A thinker and feeler

One who saw life outside the box

A talented artist

Who shared my love of music

Someone my mother would like

Boyfriend material

I thought you were feeling me

Like I was feeling you

Like maybe I mighta been on your mind

As much as you were on mine

And that maybe you were into more

Than just my body

That maybe this time, if I took a chance

It would turn out cool

Guess I was wrong....

Getting Over You

2006

Why is it so hard

Getting over you?

How is it

That after months

I still think of you often

And with mixed emotions?

Memories

I masturbate to the sexual ones

Cry over happy and sad ones

Cuss silently to myself

Over the ones that piss me off

We only dated a year

And it’s like I can’t get rid of you

No matter much I want to

And I admit sometimes I don’t want to

But most of the time nowdays I do

Most of the time I wish I never met you

You were a waste of my time

And not even my type

I’m liberal and laid back

Where you’re uptight and conservative

I love horror movies and hate action flicks

Whereas your tastes in movies is the reverse

I like talking about everything

You’re only comfortable talking about what’s on tv

And what you bought at the mall

And the list goes on

It’s crazy to me that I ever fell in love with you

But fall in love with you I did

I loved you so much it hurt to look at you

Even after a year

My heart would pound

Every time I was about to walk through your door

I loved being with you so much

That it didn’t matter if we watched action flicks all night

So long as I could be next to you

Now I wish I could erase all of it

So the pain would go away.

I’m tired of crying unexpectedly at odd moments

Like when I’m at work

Or in the shower

Or on the bridge

I’m sick of missing your arms around me

Your fingers in my hair

Your dick in my pussy

Your voice on the phone late at night

It sure as hell wasn’t all good between us

But that’s what it becomes in my head

When I’m missing you

And I’m sick and tired of missing you

Most of the time

I wish you would just go away.

Crush

2006

Lately I can't seem to get you out of my head

I think of you at work

In my car

At school

While lying in bed

I think about your great, big boyish grin

Your pretty caramel skin

Your cute nose

How tall and strong you are

Damn, I think I've got a crush on you

Sometimes I hear your voice in my head

Soft and mellow, a bit tentative

(We haven't known each other long)

I love the phone conversations we have

Your personality totally vibes with mine

Because like me, you are creative

I love your vivid imagination

And hearing your observations about life

We share a lot of the same ideas

Yup, I definitely have a crush on you

I only wish I could see you more

I love seeing you

Whenever we first meet, I am struck by your sexiness

And then comes that grin that I love

I try to fight back a giant grin of my own

Cuz even though I'm really feelin' you

I know it's not good to put it all out there like that

Not yet

Gotta give you a little mystery

Make sure you're intrigued enough to chase me

And I hope that you will

Chase me

I won't run too far

Not far at all

Because, your fine-ness,

I've got a crush on you...

Comfort Food

(written to my best friend in 2005)

I love you

Like I love my favorite old sitcoms

I love you

Like I love laying on my bed naked

After a shower

With the fan blowing on me

On a hot day

I love you

Like I love Skittles

And my stuffed green frog named Arnold

And my plaid mens boxers

Coupled with my black cotton-lycra tank top

The one that supports my boobs real well

But is also very comfortable

And that’s what I am with you

Comfortable….

I love that we are such good friends

That we have to talk to each other every day

Just so we know what each other is doing

I love that we know each other

Well enough to predict what each other is thinking

And that we aren’t shy to tell each other

Anything and everything

We even talk to each other over the phone

While on the toilet

And aren’t ashamed to admit it!

Yup, that’s comfort alright

I love that you like talking as much as I do

And that you’re an awesome listener

And that you’re open and honest

Even when being honest exposes your faults

And those of others

You always keep it real

I love how playful and young-hearted you are

Like being 37 ain’t no thang

I love and respect the way you love your sons

So fiercely

I love knowing you well enough

To sometimes be able to laugh

At how predictably you you are

I simply love knowing you…

You are like comfort food

Well-worn Levis

A good book on a rainy day

Coffee in the morning

You set my mind at ease

And let me feel free to be me

That’s why I love you

Wish You Were Here

June 2009

Today I feel kinda blue
Like some of the color washed outta my world
Sitting here alone
Don’t wanna call anybody
But wish somebody would call me

Saving the planet gets old
Sometimes I get tired of being Superwoman
And I just wanna be me
To allow myself to feel small and protected
Wrapped in your arms
That’s when I wish you were here

All week long
This independent woman works hard
To hold it down
Wouldn’t have it any other way
Yet sometimes I lay in my bed at night
Too hot and bothered to sleep
That’s when I wish you were here

Though I treasure my alone time
Sometimes I feel like I need a friend
To listen to me
To laugh with
To watch a movie with me on the couch
Or just listen to music and say nothing
That’s when I wish you were here

When I feel less than special
That’s when I wish you were here
To look at me adoringly
And tell me I’m beautiful, sexy and intelligent
To laugh at my jokes
And compliment me on little things
That nobody else seems to notice about me

Most of the time
I’m quite happy being with just me
Don’t want any more relationship drama
That’s for sure
But occasionally
I feel the need to be somebody’s star
Somebody’s baby
Somebody’s world
That’s when I wish you were here

Bonding in Water

Sunday, September 06, 2009 My son When you were very small You lived inside me Just as I once lived inside my mother In water When my belly grew large From carrying you I often found comfort In water A hot bath For relaxation For pain relief Or just because For as long as I can remember I have loved and found solace in water Baths Showers The ocean Creeks Waterfalls I find the sound of water Bubbling over stones As pleasant as a baby’s laugh Now you My little boy You share the same love as I Your face lights up When I suggest a shower Or a swim at the local pool We take long, long baths Sighing in pleasure As our bodies first slide into the warm water We sing Splash And play with toys Sometimes we just sit and smile at each other And of course we laugh I am happy that you enjoy water so I am happy Just being with you Perhaps one day you will bathe with your own son And you will think of me Now an old woman And you will remember How we once bonded in water

God's Greatest Gift

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Being a single mother Means doing what you have to do to survive It often means being mommy and daddy Doing everything on your own Climbing flights of stairs Carrying baby and bags of groceries Dealing with discipline and temper tantrums Potty training Sickness Late night bottles and diaper changes Working, going to school Living on coffee Hustling, hustling, hustling Paying bills Getting the car repaired Studying, working, mothering Sleeping, if there's time Standing in long lines And jumping through hoops Applying for this that and the other Cuz you don't receive child support And every little bit helps In and out of court With baby daddy drama (Where in the world Does a man get off Leaving a mother to do all the work Yet still demanding his "rights"?) Constantly making do Working with what you got Trying to turn a dime into a dollar All this And still finding the time To nurture your child Play with him Make him feel valued and loved All this Yet you never wonder Why you ever had a child Cuz one smile Is like the brightest sun After the worst storm And no hug ever felt as good "Take this gift", God said "The greatest I have given you Besides salvation. Take this child and mold him into someone great." And I replied "Yes Lord, I will."

Parental Love

April 2009 I used to wonder what it felt like Was it like this great, passionate thing That swept over a mother or father The moment they first laid eyes on their newborn child? Or was it something that grew over time As you got to know your child? Was it neither of these experiences? Both? Or did it vary from one person to the next? Did fathers experience parental love differently than did mothers? I can only speak for myself For me, it's like being in love Only without the passionate adult feelings It's feeling that another person completes you Missing them when you're away Wondering what they're doing Smiling at the thought of them Gazing at their picture with a happy sigh Wanting the world to know about this amazing person in your life Secretly knowing That nobody else' kid is as cute, funny or talented Lighting up in your little one's presence Feeling soft little arms around your neck And fine, sweet-smelling baby hair tickling your nose And knowing you're home

ALL/ONE

November 2008 The word "alone" Is a combination of the words "all" and "one" And if you ask me "All one" sounds alot better than "alone" Alone is sad and lonely Perhaps even rejected All one is everything Combined into one package It is not the woman who sits by herself at night Petting the cat and waiting for the phone to ring It is not the woman whom no man wants Because she is not pretty/thin/rich/fun enough It is the woman who wears many hats Mother, Daughter, Professional, Student, Artist, Spiritualist, Friend, etc. She is so full of herself Her life, her goals, her obligations and her joys That she does not have time to feel sad or lonely Or rejected She is altogether One magnifiscent, powerful, talented, loving, Independent woman She is all one

Custody Battle

Monday, October 20, 2008

How can two people Fight over another human being? Like two dogs fighting over a bone Or more appropriately, Two children fighting over a toy Except that our son is not a toy.... We've come a long way From the days when couples married and stayed together Come hell or high water When "til death do us part" actually meant something We both always considered ourselves to be family people Swore to hang in no matter what issues came our way For our child's sake Because he deserves two parents.... But then the fighting got worse and worse Until we were shouting at each other nearly everyday And as a friend of mine recently put it, "It's better for your child be with each of you separately than to be in an environment where you are constantly at each other's throats." I knew he was right. My ex and I are two totally different people With one thing in common An amazing little boy whom we both love like crazy. Now we have split our household And live on opposite sides of the Bay The adjustment from two incomes to one is rough Not to mention the separation thing I feel angry about stuff that went on in the relationship Sad that it didn't work out Stressed about money and court stuff And bound and determined to get everything I want from the judge. I imagine my child's father feels the same We will both be glad when all the legal stuff is over After that, our main concern will be Raising a well-balanced kid in a less-than-ideal situation It may be a challenge But I believe it can be done