Waiting For You

2005

Saturday afternoon

I'm lying on my bed

Staring at the ceiling

Nothing left to do.

I've cleaned my apartment

Showered

Done my face

Gone grocery shopping

Done laundry

Wanting everything to be perfect

In case you come over.

Outside, it is a beautiful, sunny day

And I am waiting for your call.

I seem to be doing that alot these days.

Can't complain to my friends

Cuz they'll say I told you so.

Don't wanna go out with anybody

Cuz you might call.

Don't wanna call you

Cuz you might think I'm bugging you.

So I wait

And wait

And wait.

When and if you DO call,

You will probably just say hello

Ask me how my day was

Make small talk

And say you'll call me later

(Which you may or may not do)

Or you may ask me what I'm doing later

Give me enough of a hint you want to see me

That I'll not make any plans

But not enough of a commitment

That I'll have an excuse to be mad

If you ignore my calls for the rest of the day.

My friends tell me to wake up and smell the coffee.

They say you're not feeling me like I'm feeling you

That you're leading me on.

They've already seen me through one fucked up relationship.

They don't wanna see me hurt again.

(I think it's too late)

My mind is in constant turmoil.

I know my friends care about me.

Should I listen to them?

I want to believe you

When you say that you miss me and care about me.

Yet I can't deny that actions speak louder than words.

I know you know that I love you

Even though I can't say it.

I won't.

I really don't think you love me.

We talked about it once.

You chose your words carefully, saying,

"Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship.

One person feels more than the other."

So ever the optimist, I hang onto my kernel of hope

Waiting for you to love me

Waiting for some sign that you think of me as often as I think of you.

Meanwhile, I hear the voices of others in my head.

"He's just using you for sex."

"What makes you think you're the only one?"

"Don't you know Black men use women?

Especially White women!"

I don't want to believe them

But I don't want to be played either.

I try to give you the benefit of the doubt

By asking you if you're seeing other women.

You say no.

You tell me that if you decide to see someone else

You'll let me know.

And all I want is for you to accept my love

And love me back

Or if not, to let me go.

But you do none of these things

Instead choosing to leave me in limbo

Why, I don't know

It hurts me

The thought of you knowingly playing with me like this

As if I've ever done anything to hurt you.

Do you not care that this is breaking my heart?

Or are you merely selfishly unaware?

Am I like an instant girlfriend in a can

That you keep high on a shelf somewhere?

To be taken down, dusted off and used when needed?

And just what is wrong with me

That you don't love me anyway?

Am I not attractive enough?

Not devoted enough?

Now hot tears run down my face.

Still, I wait for your call.

Sorry

2006

I am sorry
Tall, sexy, beautiful man
That for some reason
We can't seem to get it together
I'm sorry that we have disappointed each other
And that I could not have you
As much as I wanted you
And that you do not seem to feel me
As much I am feeling you
Even though you say that's not true
Actions speak louder than words
I am sorry
That I felt I could not trust you
And that I can't seem to figure out
Whose fault that is
And that I violated your privacy
Maybe I'm damaged
Maybe we both are
And you know what else?
I'm sorry
That you did not fall in love with me
Lol
Cuz I think I'm pretty cool
And I think
We would've made an awesome couple
I would've been your best friend
Your confidante
Your down-for-whatever-lover
Always ready to defend you
Against defamation by others
With a biting response
And I bet you're really sweet
When you're in love...
Oh well
If we never speak again
I have some beautiful memories
And I thank you for that
As to what will become of us
I will leave that up to fate
If you really want to be with me
You know what to do...

Yesterday Morning

2005

Yesterday morning was...
Amazing
Beautiful
Satisfying
And tremendously fun

You touched me/held me/kissed me/fucked me
In a way I hadn't been touched/held/kissed/fucked
In a very long time

You awakened not only my senses
But also my entire body
Skin
Hair
Nerves
Blood
Bones
And molecules
All were calling your name
Yesterday morning


You can hardly blame me now
If I call you twice a day
Every day
You shouldn't have broken me off so good
If you didn't want me sprung

And let me tell you something
After the way you put it down
Your wish is my command
Any kinda freaky/nasty/
Romantic way you want it

It’s all good
Let it never be said
That I am an ungrateful woman!

Especially not
After yesterday morning....

Thought You Were Somethin'

2006

I thought you were somethin'

With your tall, masculine frame

Pretty, caramel skin

And beautiful, boyish smile

Certainly one of the most handsome men I'd seen in awhile

I thought you were super cool

Intelligent

Liberal

A thinker and feeler

One who saw life outside the box

A talented artist

Who shared my love of music

Someone my mother would like

Boyfriend material

I thought you were feeling me

Like I was feeling you

Like maybe I mighta been on your mind

As much as you were on mine

And that maybe you were into more

Than just my body

That maybe this time, if I took a chance

It would turn out cool

Guess I was wrong....

Getting Over You

2006

Why is it so hard

Getting over you?

How is it

That after months

I still think of you often

And with mixed emotions?

Memories

I masturbate to the sexual ones

Cry over happy and sad ones

Cuss silently to myself

Over the ones that piss me off

We only dated a year

And it’s like I can’t get rid of you

No matter much I want to

And I admit sometimes I don’t want to

But most of the time nowdays I do

Most of the time I wish I never met you

You were a waste of my time

And not even my type

I’m liberal and laid back

Where you’re uptight and conservative

I love horror movies and hate action flicks

Whereas your tastes in movies is the reverse

I like talking about everything

You’re only comfortable talking about what’s on tv

And what you bought at the mall

And the list goes on

It’s crazy to me that I ever fell in love with you

But fall in love with you I did

I loved you so much it hurt to look at you

Even after a year

My heart would pound

Every time I was about to walk through your door

I loved being with you so much

That it didn’t matter if we watched action flicks all night

So long as I could be next to you

Now I wish I could erase all of it

So the pain would go away.

I’m tired of crying unexpectedly at odd moments

Like when I’m at work

Or in the shower

Or on the bridge

I’m sick of missing your arms around me

Your fingers in my hair

Your dick in my pussy

Your voice on the phone late at night

It sure as hell wasn’t all good between us

But that’s what it becomes in my head

When I’m missing you

And I’m sick and tired of missing you

Most of the time

I wish you would just go away.

Crush

2006

Lately I can't seem to get you out of my head

I think of you at work

In my car

At school

While lying in bed

I think about your great, big boyish grin

Your pretty caramel skin

Your cute nose

How tall and strong you are

Damn, I think I've got a crush on you

Sometimes I hear your voice in my head

Soft and mellow, a bit tentative

(We haven't known each other long)

I love the phone conversations we have

Your personality totally vibes with mine

Because like me, you are creative

I love your vivid imagination

And hearing your observations about life

We share a lot of the same ideas

Yup, I definitely have a crush on you

I only wish I could see you more

I love seeing you

Whenever we first meet, I am struck by your sexiness

And then comes that grin that I love

I try to fight back a giant grin of my own

Cuz even though I'm really feelin' you

I know it's not good to put it all out there like that

Not yet

Gotta give you a little mystery

Make sure you're intrigued enough to chase me

And I hope that you will

Chase me

I won't run too far

Not far at all

Because, your fine-ness,

I've got a crush on you...

Comfort Food

(written to my best friend in 2005)

I love you

Like I love my favorite old sitcoms

I love you

Like I love laying on my bed naked

After a shower

With the fan blowing on me

On a hot day

I love you

Like I love Skittles

And my stuffed green frog named Arnold

And my plaid mens boxers

Coupled with my black cotton-lycra tank top

The one that supports my boobs real well

But is also very comfortable

And that’s what I am with you

Comfortable….

I love that we are such good friends

That we have to talk to each other every day

Just so we know what each other is doing

I love that we know each other

Well enough to predict what each other is thinking

And that we aren’t shy to tell each other

Anything and everything

We even talk to each other over the phone

While on the toilet

And aren’t ashamed to admit it!

Yup, that’s comfort alright

I love that you like talking as much as I do

And that you’re an awesome listener

And that you’re open and honest

Even when being honest exposes your faults

And those of others

You always keep it real

I love how playful and young-hearted you are

Like being 37 ain’t no thang

I love and respect the way you love your sons

So fiercely

I love knowing you well enough

To sometimes be able to laugh

At how predictably you you are

I simply love knowing you…

You are like comfort food

Well-worn Levis

A good book on a rainy day

Coffee in the morning

You set my mind at ease

And let me feel free to be me

That’s why I love you