Sunday, September 06, 2009
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Thursday, December 31, 2009
Bonding in Water
God's Greatest Gift
 | Being a single mother Means doing what you have to do to survive It often means being mommy and daddy Doing everything on your own Climbing flights of stairs Carrying baby and bags of groceries Dealing with discipline and temper tantrums Potty training Sickness Late night bottles and diaper changes Working, going to school Living on coffee Hustling, hustling, hustling Paying bills Getting the car repaired Studying, working, mothering Sleeping, if there's time Standing in long lines And jumping through hoops Applying for this that and the other Cuz you don't receive child support And every little bit helps In and out of court With baby daddy drama (Where in the world Does a man get off Leaving a mother to do all the work Yet still demanding his "rights"?) Constantly making do Working with what you got Trying to turn a dime into a dollar All this And still finding the time To nurture your child Play with him Make him feel valued and loved All this Yet you never wonder Why you ever had a child Cuz one smile Is like the brightest sun After the worst storm And no hug ever felt as good "Take this gift", God said "The greatest I have given you Besides salvation. Take this child and mold him into someone great." And I replied "Yes Lord, I will." |
Parental Love
April 2009 I used to wonder what it felt like Was it like this great, passionate thing That swept over a mother or father The moment they first laid eyes on their newborn child? Or was it something that grew over time As you got to know your child? Was it neither of these experiences? Both? Or did it vary from one person to the next? Did fathers experience parental love differently than did mothers? I can only speak for myself For me, it's like being in love Only without the passionate adult feelings It's feeling that another person completes you Missing them when you're away Wondering what they're doing Smiling at the thought of them Gazing at their picture with a happy sigh Wanting the world to know about this amazing person in your life Secretly knowing That nobody else' kid is as cute, funny or talented Lighting up in your little one's presence Feeling soft little arms around your neck And fine, sweet-smelling baby hair tickling your nose And knowing you're home |
ALL/ONE
| The word "alone" Is a combination of the words "all" and "one" And if you ask me "All one" sounds alot better than "alone" Alone is sad and lonely Perhaps even rejected All one is everything Combined into one package It is not the woman who sits by herself at night Petting the cat and waiting for the phone to ring It is not the woman whom no man wants Because she is not pretty/thin/rich/fun enough It is the woman who wears many hats Mother, Daughter, Professional, Student, Artist, Spiritualist, Friend, etc. She is so full of herself Her life, her goals, her obligations and her joys That she does not have time to feel sad or lonely Or rejected She is altogether One magnifiscent, powerful, talented, loving, Independent woman She is all one |
Custody Battle
| How can two people Fight over another human being? Like two dogs fighting over a bone Or more appropriately, Two children fighting over a toy Except that our son is not a toy.... We've come a long way From the days when couples married and stayed together Come hell or high water When "til death do us part" actually meant something We both always considered ourselves to be family people Swore to hang in no matter what issues came our way For our child's sake Because he deserves two parents.... But then the fighting got worse and worse Until we were shouting at each other nearly everyday And as a friend of mine recently put it, "It's better for your child be with each of you separately than to be in an environment where you are constantly at each other's throats." I knew he was right. My ex and I are two totally different people With one thing in common An amazing little boy whom we both love like crazy. Now we have split our household And live on opposite sides of the Bay The adjustment from two incomes to one is rough Not to mention the separation thing I feel angry about stuff that went on in the relationship Sad that it didn't work out Stressed about money and court stuff And bound and determined to get everything I want from the judge. I imagine my child's father feels the same We will both be glad when all the legal stuff is over After that, our main concern will be Raising a well-balanced kid in a less-than-ideal situation It may be a challenge But I believe it can be done |
For You
| If you were sick and miserable I would stay up and wait on you all night Even though I had to be up for work at 5:30am. For you. I would turn off a really good made-for-tv movie That I had been waiting weeks to see That I knew wouldn't be on again for a long time For you. I would let you eat most of my favorite food That I had bought from an expensive deli across town Even though you had already eaten And you didn't really find my dish all that interesting. But you still wanted to eat it Only for you. I would put off anyone Cancel anything Short of a date with Jesus For you If you were a horrible, rude tyrant And nobody liked you because of it. If you became a thief, a drug addict A murderer Still I would have mad, loyal, crazy deep love For you If you were morbidly obese Severely retarded Or terribly disfigured And everyone thought you were disgusting I would think you were beautiful And I would thoroughly cuss out Anyone who tried to argue with me For you. I would give my life for you In a heart beat. Move to another country If it meant you would be much safer Or have far greater opportunities. I would accept ridicule Work two jobs. Go without love Or sleep Or luxuries like a decent stereo A new car Or the latest fashionable clothing. All for you. Why? Because you're worth it |
My Childbirth Experience (Not for the Squeamish)
| I found out I was pregnant in January of 2007..... Doctors told me my due date was September 15th,.... Though by my calculations it should have been the 23rd..... I got huge during my pregnancy, My belly grew out AND around.... People kept asking me if I was having twins..... Some said rude things like,.... "Wow, you're really big, hunh?" .... I power-walked regularly and worked full time..... Still, I developed a form of gestational hypertension.... Which had to be monitored throughout my pregnancy..... I was told in my third trimester that my son was large.... And that he could be born as early as September 7th..... My 37th birthday..... I thought about this.... And decided I didn't want to share a birthday with my son..... Of course, I went into labor on my birthday..... It began at 6am..... I woke up with what felt like period cramps,.... And when I went to the bathroom, I realized I was bleeding a little.... I went back to the bedroom and told my boyfriend,.... Then called Kaiser Labor and Delivery..... They told me that based on my symptoms,.... It sounded like I was in early labor..... I was to call back if the bleeding or pain got worse,.... Or my water broke,.... Or contractions began to come every 3-5 minutes..... It could be quite awhile before any of these things happened..... I was encouraged to walk around to stimulate labor..... My boyfriend went to work, and I went downtown..... I walked.... And walked,.... And walked..... All day long..... But to my disappointment, .... The contractions didn't get much stronger..... I got home around 5pm and went to bed exhausted..... That was when the contractions picked up..... By 10PM, I told my boyfriend we should head to the hospital.... By the time we left home around 11:30pm,.... My contractions were 3 minutes apart.... And about a 4 on a pain scale of one to ten..... We arrived at the hospital around midnight..... We brought with us.... My duffle bag,.... Two digital cameras,.... A camcorder,.... My birthing ball,.... Essential oil of orange.... And a whole slew of other things .... Which were carefully unpacked..... A nurse came in and instructed me to change into a gown.... Then hooked my belly up to a monitor..... I waited a few hours for a doctor to come in and check me..... The doctor said my cervix was only dilated to one centimeter..... For those who don't know, .... Pushing takes place at ten centimeters,.... And the hospital won't officially admit a woman.... Until she is dilated to at least three centimeters..... I was told to walk around for an hour, which I did..... But I did not dilate any further,.... So at 4AM, exhausted and dejected,.... We packed up all our things and left..... I remained in labor for five (yes, five!) days..... The contractions came repeatedly,.... Sometimes as close together as every 5 minutes..... Other times as far apart as every 15 minutes..... The pain continued to intensify.... For five days..... I could not sleep..... I barely ate..... I lost three pounds.... My boyfriend and I went back to the hospital on day three.... And were told I was only one and a half centimeters dilated..... Once again, we went home..... I saw my ob gyn on the afternoon of day five..... After checking my cervix, she said I was 4 centimeters dilated..... I was so happy, I burst into tears and thanked her..... But there was a problem..... Apparently Labor and Delivery in San Francisco was overcrowded..... They claimed they could not admit me..... They suggested I go to Oakland Kaiser.... Or to Santa Rosa Kaiser an hour away.... To have my baby..... .... Against the doctor's wishes, My boyfriend went across the street to the hospital, Demanding to speak with someone He said that he had been born in that same hospital And by God, his son would be born there too .... We were placed on a waiting list for a bed..... By 4pm, we were admitted..... I was given an IV. I am terrified of needles..... But considering how much pain I was already in, I did well..... Initially, I was going to try and have a natural birth..... But after 5 days of labor and at 6 centimeters dilated,.... I threw in the towel and asked for an epidural..... The anesthesiologist was slender, olive-skinned and 40-ish,.... With full lips that had a slight scar above them.... And a French-sounding accent..... She is the only person from the hospital.... Whose face I remember so well..... That is because she became my best friend.... As well as my worst enemy..... She had me sit up on the edge of the bed..... She washed my back and gave me a local anesthetic..... She told me to curve my spine like a cat and not move..... Then she stuck a huge needle in my spine .... Attached was an IV line, which she taped to my back..... There was also a button I was told to push .... Any time I needed more medication..... I lay back as a warmth spread over my body..... A nurse said I would soon be numb from the waist down..... Once the epidural had taken full effect,.... Another nurse inserted a catheter into my urethra.... Which I did not feel..... By around 6PM, the doctor broke my water.... Using a long plastic sort of stick.... My mother and sister arrived..... My sister began to document the event on my camcorder..... It was September 11th..... My family joked that I shouldn't give birth until midnight..... Contractions came every 3 minutes..... I couldn't feel pain, only pressure..... At around 8pm, I was told I wasn't dilating fast enough..... I was still only dilated to six..... I might need to have a c-section if things didn't pick up soon..... My boyfriend was upset..... He hadn't wanted me to get the epidural in the first place. In the past, We had heard that epidurals could slow down labor..... .... The doctor re-checked me a bit later..... I was eight centimeters dilated..... I would not need to have a c-section after all..... Twice, the epidural wore off enough for me to nearly panic..... Both times, I demanded to see the anesthesiologist NOW,.... Once even going so far as to insist .... That she was purposely ignoring me.... Just to be mean. I actually remember believing that Which I realize now was totally irrational.... At one point, I let out a moan like a dying woman,.... Grabbed my boyfriend's arm and commanded,.... "Get somebody now!".... He did..... At 3AM, I was informed I was ten centimeters dilated..... It was time to push..... By this time, the epidural had begun to wear off yet again..... I was told I could have no more pain meds..... They wanted to make sure I wasn't too numb to push..... It took me three hours to push my son out..... Luckily, I remember it as only one hour..... I opted to have a mirror placed near me.... So I could watch the my son emerge..... I'm not so sure now that it was a good idea..... With every contraction, I pushed.... For a count of ten..... I pushed harder than I'd ever pushed before..... The nurse told me to push down into my bottom.... Like I was having a bowel movement,.... Which worried me a little..... Cuz I sure didn't want to shit on the table.... In front of everyone..... Thankfully, that didn't happen..... Every time I pushed, my genitals burned and stretched.... Like I was ripping in two..... I would look into the mirror .... And see the top of my baby's head emerge a teensy bit more.... Only to retract back inside of me .... Once the pushing stopped..... Watching this in the mirror.... Reminded me of an unusual form of punishment..... My boyfriend sat beside me encouraging me,.... Though he was having a hard time himself..... He kept looking away, head in hands.... Until a male nurse ordered smelling salts for him.... Just in case..... "I'll be fine", he said..... And he was..... He said later that it wasn't the actual birth.... That freaked him out;.... It was all the other stuff.... The blood and other fluids.... Which to him made the whole process seem "violent".... At one point, I begged the doctor,.... "Can you just pull him out?".... She said no, she could not..... Eventually I reached a point where time seemed to stop,.... .... And my emotions became far less important Than the fact that I had a job to do, And that became all that mattered. Shortly afterward, my baby's head popped out from under my pelvic bone, Followed quickly by his body..... It happened so fast .... That when he was presented to me, I almost couldn't believe he was mine..... There he was,.... All nine and a half pounds of him.... Bloody, crying softly, umbilical cord still attached..... My first thought was that he was cone-headed..... Completely drugged and exhausted,.... I held him for just a second..... I vaguely remember crying.... And kissing him once or twice on his wet face..... Then my maternal instincts kicked in .... I demanded that his lungs be cleaned out so he could breathe.... Over a period of about twenty minutes,.... My son was cleaned, poked, prodded.... And warmed under a little heating lamp.... While my mother and boyfriend made phone calls to family.... During all this, .... The doctor grasped the umbilical cord .... And hand over hand,.... She pulled the placenta out of me. Like someone pulling an anchor up out of the water. .... .... My skin was torn From the bottom of my vulva down to just above my anus. It took fifteen minutes to sew me up, and I was not allowed anesthesia..... "Don't move", the doctor kept saying every time I flinched..... The next several hours after my son's birth.... Are sort of a blur.... I remember the first time my son was placed on my breast.... And how surprised I was at the strength of his suckling..... It was enough to give me purple marks around my nipple.... Within only a few minutes..... Later that day.... I was moved from Labor and Delivery.... To the post partum ward..... I remember being wheeled in my chair.... My newborn son in my arms.... Feeling peoples' eyes on me as we went past.... Feeling like a queen.... Thinking to myself.... This is how the other new mothers feel too..... Over the next few days in the hospital.... I often found myself gazing endlessly.... At my sleeping son.... Trying out the words in my head Mom, mommy, ma, mother.... And knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt.... That my son was absolutely the cutest.... Sweetest.... Most wonderful baby there was..... I knew I was not alone..... |
